I’m Single because I’m an arsehole
It's been a good 3.5 decades where I’ve had the emotional maturity to observe the world and it is concluded. I now understand why l am single. It is because l am indeed, an arsehole.
For at least 20 of these 44 years l have been actively ‘dating/meeting/engaging/sharing/belonging/building/loving/liking/tolerating/obessessing/ignoring/stalking/breaking/desiring/dreaming with a man at any of the given years and yet, here l am – 44 and single. Why lord? Why?
I have answered these question many a time myself and over the 2 decades these are the deep meaningful answers l found for myself:
- Too fat
- Not pretty enough
- Too loud
- Not smart enough
- Too smart
- Not worldly enough
- Not accomplished enough
- Too rough
- Not confident enough
- Too Muslim
- Too atheist
- Too spiritual
- Too impatient
- Too judgemental
- Too critical
- Too many chins
I literally could double this list in 3 minutes, but you get the gist. I overlook this shortlist of what is truth for me. Especially in my 20’s and 30’s where l was blessed to have been introduced to men that were honestly perfectly designed to be my ‘one’. But they all ended. Either they or l walked away. Walked is a slight exaggeration. Try bleeding through the tears of my destroyed jeans and limping centimetres at a time out of breath with unwashed hair. That feelings sums up most of my youth.
Those men, where my people at some point and at a specific point – bang, over.
I reflect on those who stayed with their people for the last 20 years and l am in ore of their resilience and their safety in knowing what is awaiting you. I awake each morning not having a damn clue where my life will go when it comes to relationships. This is all my relationships. I see this constant movement in friendships, family and of course, lovers.
So lately, l have been asking myself as l see so many hold tight onto their decade long loves, friends and families what is on my list now? What prevents me from having certainty in the people around me? This is what it looks like in 2022 at 44 years old:
- Too me
That’s it. I stopped being mean to myself a little while ago. I still want all the things you know. Smaller thighs, less meat on my tummy, one chin, a billion dollars, a window in my bathroom. I actually want those things a lot. But I’m calmer about it now. I’ve surrender that both l and those around me have distanced themselves either consciously or not. These ebbs and flows in my relationships are part of it all. One person is an exception to that rule. My daughter. She gets me and challenges me the most in the best kind of way. She is my certainty. So are my parents in truth. In sickness and in health, they are my people of certainty.
The rest of the 8 billion people, YOU specifically? Well, if you met me in person, you’d probably not like me initially (refer list one). But if I’m in flow you’d connect with me begrudgingly at some point because l want to get to know YOU. People are my favourite part of this earth and yet, l have so little knowledge about them that l struggle to manage the process of relationships. This is why l am here today. I am a student of life and l am here to learn you and all that you are. Will you be my person?